The Best Blonde Jokes
Once there was a blonde
Once there was a blonde, she was tired of people judging her. So when her husband went to work, she decided to paint for him. When he got home, he discovered his wife in a sweaty heap on the floor. She was wearing two fur coats. " Why on earth are you wearing two coats in summer?" He said. "Because I wanted to paint this room for you, and the can said to put on two coats."
Civic Lesson
In a high school civics class, they were discussing the qualifications for becoming President of the United States. The requirements are pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years old.
A blonde girl in the class piped up and began complaining about how unfair it was to require the candidate to be a natural born citizen. In her opinion, that made it impossible for many qualified people to run for the office. She went on and on, wrapping up her argument with "What makes a natural born citizen more qualified to be President than one born by C-Section?"
Helicopter Lessons
A blonde received a certificate for helicopter flying lessons for her birthday. One day she was bored and decided to take advantage of the opportunity.
When she arrived at the place, the man said "Well, there's only one helicopter here, and it only has one seat, if I show you how to do it, do you mind going up solo?"
"Oh of course! I can handle it" the blonde replied.
Well, he showed her the inner-workings of the helicopter and sent her on her way, only asking that she radio in every 400ft. just to make sure everything was going smoothly.
at 400ft, she radioed in saying "wow! this is so much fun!"
At 800 ft. She radioed in again saying "this is pretty easy, I can do this all day!"
At 1200 ft. She didnt. he waited and waited, and didn't hear from the blonde! seconds later he heard a crash in the field next to the station. He ran out to see what happened, the blonde crashed!
Luckily she survived, "what happened?" he exclaimed.
"Well, I was doing fine, but, I started to get cold, so I just turned off the big fan!"
"Oh of course! I can handle it" the blonde replied.
Well, he showed her the inner-workings of the helicopter and sent her on her way, only asking that she radio in every 400ft. just to make sure everything was going smoothly.
at 400ft, she radioed in saying "wow! this is so much fun!"
At 800 ft. She radioed in again saying "this is pretty easy, I can do this all day!"
At 1200 ft. She didnt. he waited and waited, and didn't hear from the blonde! seconds later he heard a crash in the field next to the station. He ran out to see what happened, the blonde crashed!
Luckily she survived, "what happened?" he exclaimed.
"Well, I was doing fine, but, I started to get cold, so I just turned off the big fan!"
Because I'm Blonde?
A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other
kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other
kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids
could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the
other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank
top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids
could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the
other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank
top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."
Lawyer And Blonde
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask me, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
What's So Funny?
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle."
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle."
Golf Lesson
A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to
take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do.
The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.
The pro said "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too
hard. Grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis.".
The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards
straight down the fairway.
The pro said "That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this
time take the club out of your mouth."
take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do.
The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.
The pro said "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too
hard. Grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis.".
The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards
straight down the fairway.
The pro said "That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this
time take the club out of your mouth."
The Circle
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a large truck. The driver was outraged and was eventually able to make her pull over.
He got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde in his most threatening voice, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
Now he's getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets an extra can of diesel fuel, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"
He got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde in his most threatening voice, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
Now he's getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets an extra can of diesel fuel, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"
Painter Blonde
A blonde by the name of Julie was getting pretty desperate for money.
So she decided to go to the richer part of town and try to get a job as a handywoman.
She rang the doorbell at the first house she came to, and a man answered the door.
She asked if there were any odd jobs she could do, and he replied, "Well, actually, we need the porch painted-how much do you want?" Julie said she felt $50 was fair. He replied, "OK, the ladders, paint, and other tools you need are in the garage."
When the man closed the door, his wife, who had overheard the conversation asked him, "$50?!? Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She must have, she was standing right on it."
About 45 minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the man is surprised to find Julie there.
She tells him that she's done, and states that she even had enough paint to do two coats.
As the man is reaching into his wallet to pay her, Julie says, "Oh, and by the way, that isn't a Porsche-it's a Ferrari."
So she decided to go to the richer part of town and try to get a job as a handywoman.
She rang the doorbell at the first house she came to, and a man answered the door.
She asked if there were any odd jobs she could do, and he replied, "Well, actually, we need the porch painted-how much do you want?" Julie said she felt $50 was fair. He replied, "OK, the ladders, paint, and other tools you need are in the garage."
When the man closed the door, his wife, who had overheard the conversation asked him, "$50?!? Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She must have, she was standing right on it."
About 45 minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the man is surprised to find Julie there.
She tells him that she's done, and states that she even had enough paint to do two coats.
As the man is reaching into his wallet to pay her, Julie says, "Oh, and by the way, that isn't a Porsche-it's a Ferrari."
Suicide
A blonde and a brunette are sitting in a bar and watching the 11:00 P.M. news. A man is standing on the ledge of a high-rise building, contemplating suicide.
The brunette says to the blonde: "I'll bet you $20.00 that the man jumps off that building and commits suicide."
The blonde thinks for a moment then replies: "OK, you're on!"
They watch for a few minutes and sure enough, the man jumps off the ledge. The blonde sighs and reaches for her wallet, but the brunette stops her, saying: "I can't take your money - I feel too guilty. I have to confess that I watched the 6:00 P.M. news this evening and I knew that the man would jump.
The blonde replied: "Oh! I watched the 6:00 P.M. news too, but I didn't think he'd jump off again!"
The brunette says to the blonde: "I'll bet you $20.00 that the man jumps off that building and commits suicide."
The blonde thinks for a moment then replies: "OK, you're on!"
They watch for a few minutes and sure enough, the man jumps off the ledge. The blonde sighs and reaches for her wallet, but the brunette stops her, saying: "I can't take your money - I feel too guilty. I have to confess that I watched the 6:00 P.M. news this evening and I knew that the man would jump.
The blonde replied: "Oh! I watched the 6:00 P.M. news too, but I didn't think he'd jump off again!"
